Black Relationships and other random thoughts

by Dr. Boyce Watkins
www.BoyceWatkins.com

People sometimes wonder why I don't talk much about my love life. Well, beyond the fact that it would probably bore you, I'll admit that there are some tricky and sensitive issues that might come up. But in case you're wondering, I am not single because I am gay (not that there is something wrong with gay people, I'm just not one of them). I am not married because I take marriage very seriously and realized that my work in the black community would put a family in harm's way. I never thought that Malcolm or Martin should have gotten married either, since I'd never forgive myself if my wife and children were killed or left homeless because of something I've done. The first thing your enemies do when they want to undermine you is to go after your family and/or your source of income. Just ask Bill O'Reilly.

At any rate, I have some friends who are still single, and I listen to them explain why they can't find what they are looking for. For some, it's the "blame the world" strategy - "Black men can't handle an intelligent black woman", or "I'm just too nice and men are dogs"....blah blah blah. On the flip side, I've heard Black men say things about Black women that are simply untrue. Personally, I have no trouble finding great Black women, especially when I learned to look at the spirit and mind along with the body and face. I know many gorgeous women who might have stunned me 10 years ago, but wouldn't get the time of day from me now.

One thing that some of us are missing is the kind of introspection necessary to realize that YOU are the only person who is always present in your relationships. I have a friend who is a drop dead gorgeous college professor and fully convinced that it's never her fault that her relationships are falling apart. All the while, I've seen that same friend walk toward the jerks and away from the guys who might treat her with respect. At the end of the day, she will always be confused, because she only chooses to give her love to those who deserve it the least.

This journey of learning to love yourself enough to know how to give love and receive it properly is a long one. I've personally traveled much of that journey myself. Although I didn't marry my ex-fiance, I was proud of that relationship. The great time we spent together was a reflection of how I'd grown to be able to give the right kind of love and also demand the right kind of love in return. She strengthened my belief in God, for I truly saw her as an angel on earth.

Like most of you, I have experienced the ups and downs of relationships (ho-hum), and all the bliss and pain that comes with it. I've dealt with baby-mama drama, as the one great mistake I made in life was to have a child at a young age with the wrong person. I will pay for that mistake for the rest of my life, although I worked like hell to try to fix it. I fight for father's rights because unlike the confusing speech given by Barack Obama this year on Father's Day, I unconditionally reject the idea that Black relationships don't work solely because Black men are irresponsible buffoons who don't want to be good parents. I tried like hell to be in my own daughter's life, even though I was consistently rejected from it, and I've gotten emails from hundreds of other fathers who feel the same way. At the end of the day, relationships last when both partners make it work, and children are healthiest when both parents understand the importance of having both the mother and the father in the life of the child. You can't blame the opposite sex for everything. That goes for both men and women....no matter how bitter you may be.

Finally, I believe in black love, and I consider black women to be the most beautiful women on the planet. So, if you ever hear of me getting married, it will most likely be to a Black woman. But if you were to ask me about the breakdown of the black family and black relationships, I would say that it takes two to tango. If your relationships are not working out, relieving yourself of all blame is not only going to confuse you, it is also incredibly irresponsible.

At any rate, the article is below...enjoy!

He's not dumping you because ...

Writing about dating is my full-time job, so, naturally, I hear a lot of pretty deranged tales of love gone wrong. But last week I received a letter from a woman who was convinced that men wouldn’t go out with her because she was just too … beautiful.

He's not dumping you because ...

She fully believed her breathtaking attractiveness was anything but a man-magnet — as one might expect. Instead, she said, her beauty acted as a Romeo-repellant, causing suitors to run screaming from her. Obviously, I explained the situation to her (perhaps it wasn’t her gorgeous outsides, but her narcissistic insides that were doing the damage), but it did get me to thinking about all the other ridiculous reasons that women — myself included — come up with when they get dumped.

Along with being too beautiful, here are a few other qualities I guarantee nobody will ever break your heart over:

Too smart: I once had a friend who was convinced she couldn’t keep a boyfriend because she was too smart for the male population. She was positive her staggering intellect was turning them off. Uh, no. What drove the men away (and most of her female friends, as well) was the fact that she was mean. We’re talking stupendously cruel. Her definition of smart translated into cutting people down until they felt like the smallest person on earth. Not exactly a turn-on, no matter how cleverly it’s worded.



Click to read.

Barack Obama and Black Fathers, Why Black Men are Still Fuming

I received a lot of email from both men and women about my comments on Barack Obama's Father's Day speech. I watched the speech, hoping that I could find some way that I was wrong about Barack. Perhaps his speech writers, surely the best in the business, slid in a line or two conditionalizing his statements to remind us that Father's Day is a day to celebrate good fathers, not to spend all our time mulling over the bad ones.

I looked and looked for that one line of salvation and never found it. That makes me sad, since many of the emails I received were from black fathers who came right out of the Bill Cosby book of parenthood (even though Cosby has made some dirty mistakes of his own as a dad). These men, some of whom were conservatives or in the military, did not understand why little time was spent giving them the same respect we give women on Mother's Day. Instead, they were fed the same old stereotypes of black male irresponsibility. These were the same stereotypes that allowed their ex-wives or mothers of their children to feel completely vindicated for any poor treatment bestowed upon them as they worked hard to stay in their childrens' lives. They were the same stereotypes that keep the 50% of divorced white males of America comfortable that their broken homes are not as bad as the broken homes of black men. After all, the presidential candidates conveniently forget to critique White America in the same way they critique the black male. I thought Obama was 50% white? Doesn't that mean that he is as much a part of White America (thus entitled to critique) as he is Black America? Or is he just the Black Candidate?

To spend father's day obsessing over what black fathers are doing wrong is like going to someone's birthday party with a list of all the things you hate about them. Even if I'd been born with a terrible mother, I would not spend Mother's Day saying "Mom, there are far too many days when you are not there for me the way you should be." It would be even worse if I then went on to tell my father that the breakup of our family was all my mother's fault and that he is completely relieved of any guilt whatsoever.

That is what Obama did when he patted black women on the back and essentially said "That's ok. We know how all those black men are treating you. They're just bad and you're good. Let's spend Father's Day talking about you and how disappointed we are in them." He was preaching to the choir, since I am willing to bet that many of the men in that church were loyal and dedicated fathers, either sitting confused that they were being chastised on their special day or nodding their heads in agreement that black men are collectively a pack of screw ups. "Some do the right thing, but doing the wrong thing is the norm". Does anyone wonder how deformed your existence becomes when you consider the most pathetic segment of American society to be people who look like yourself?

This strikes a chord with me because I have seen it up close. I have seen black women who swear up and down that the reason every man they meet doesn't want to be with them implies that there is something wrong with all men. I see black men who refuse to date black women because they feel that black women are all angry, bitter and nasty. In both scenarios, I correct the individual and encourage him/her to look in the mirror. If all of your relationships are falling apart, you are the only variable that is consistently present in every relationship you've ever had. Either you are consistently choosing the wrong person to procreate with, or you are consistently mistreating the right people who come your way. Women who choose good men and treat them well remain happily married. That's just a fundamental fact and I, as a man, know this because I have chosen the wrong woman at times, and there have been times when I've not given a woman the respect she deserved. In either case, I ended up disappointed.

What is true is that both men and women play a role in the survival of our families. When a divorce or breakup occurs, the children are usually given to the woman. Also, most divorces are not always the sole fault of one party or the other. So, if we are going to define the term "deadbeat dads", we cannot generalize that term to include any man who does not live with his kids. Senator Obama DID NOT, to my knowledge, make that distinction.

What is most interesting is Obama's claim that "far too many men are not in the home....they've chosen to be boys instead of men". This implies that if you get a divorce and the kids live with the woman, then you are effectively behaving as a little boy. This further signals that if Michelle Obama were to divorce Barack and keep the kids, he would effectively become a deadbeat. I am sure that Senator Obama, who would likely spend plenty of time with his children and pay plenty of child support, would become agitated to hear someone speaking about him and other black men as a pack of dead beats, especially on Father's Day. Perhaps he could be consoled with the words "No, we weren't talking about you. We just avoided celebrating you on Father's Day because we wanted to place all the blame on the deadbeats, which includes most black men."

That is where black men are coming from. On Mother's Day, I am not going to spend one second talking about how "there are too many bad baby's mamas keep their child's father from seeing his kids", that "angry black women are divorcing their husbands and taking their children and money from them", or that "black women treat men like crap and then get mad when the man leaves the relationship." I would say none of these things, even though I can name several instances in which this has happened. Instead, I am going to spend Mother's Day celebrating the successes of black women and the wonderful impact they had on me.

As I said before, it takes two to Tango, black men aren't doing the family break up dance by themselves. Also, the dance of child-rearing is not just being done by the black mothers. Black women are certainly the backbone of the community, but black men aren't just freeloading.

Fox News: Black Women are Typically Angry

For those who may not understand why I had to challenge Barack Obama's contribution to the perception of black men being irresponsible, perhaps you can get it now. Fox News recently did a segment about "why black women on TV tend to be angry". In the segment, they make continuous reference to the "angry black woman", and point to several examples of black women who tend to be angry during interviews. The video clip is at the bottom of this comment.

I am not a fan of such stereotypes, and I hope that any black woman who is offended by this stereotype can understand why many black men are not happy with the stereotypes that are placed upon many brothers. I have always worked to be a responsible man. I personally find it offensive (whether Obama or anyone else is alluding to this concept) when others imply that black men as a collective behave irresponsibly. I agree with Malcolm, who felt that no matter how much respect people had for him, "if you insult my people, then you are insulting me".

I received about 130 emails yesterday from people who had mixed opinions about my article on Senator Obama's comments about black men needing to learn the art of fatherhood. They've been interesting and seem to call for more discourse. I noticed that the opinions were right down the middle and many of them were very strong in either direction. I will do a video on the topic soon, but I wanted to pose some quick thoughts I had as I was reading the emails (and yes, I do read my email and try to respond to you. I only ignore people who come off as flat out lunatics, since I don't mess with crazy people). Here are my thoughts.

1) Why do we assume that a broken family implies that a man "ran away from his responsibility"? Is it not also the case that many relationships also end due to actions of the woman as well? All of us know of at least one "insane baby's mama" - either you have dealt with one, been in a relationship with a man who was dealing with one, or perhaps you have BEEN ONE! This does not imply that the end of the relationship is most likely the fault of the woman, but it does take two to tango.

2) No. I didn't make my statement for political purposes or to make money. I don't get paid for what I do on the internet, and I am NOT a politician. I consider politicians, as a general rule, to be liars, and life is too short for me to spend all my time lying. Telling the truth is the only way I can sleep at night, even if it implies that some people don't like what I have to say. One thing you will always get from me is a straight shot, I assure you of that.

3) Yes, I support Obama 100% . Critiquing someone and keeping them honest doesn't mean you hate them. I critique my mama and I love my mama.

4) Obama has made a commitment to being race neutral in this election. However, if he or anyone else chooses to address race in this election I ONLY ASK THAT THEY BE FAIR. For Barack (or anyone else) to shut down anyone who speaks honestly about racism, and then to contribute to racial stereotypes about black male irresponsibility is not balanced. For those who feel that Obama was "telling it like it is", please remember this: Dr. Jeremiah Wright was also "telling it like it is", but he was shut down, disowned and told that his words needed to be muted. Honesty should not know racial boundaries. If Barack Obama is not comfortable going into a group of white males and being honest about racial stereotyping, then it is not acceptable for him to do that to black men.

5) There are ALWAYS going to be people in every group who do the wrong thing. White women are not stereotyped by the actions of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. I would never stereotype black women for the actions of a few "insane baby's mamas". So, the notion that it is ok to define black men by the actions of a select few is equally problematic. However, it is comfortable to say "these brothers need to start doing right" because it alleviates anyone else of the guilt of whatever role they play in the breakdown of their families, and it also contributes to the 400 year tradition of defining black men as being socially inferior. A person could just as easily celebrate the great choices of positive black men as he could mulling over the actions of the irresponsible.

Here is the issue: I do not feel that Barack would go into any other venue and paint any other group with a blanket indictment. He would not say "too many Jews support killing Palestinians", or "too many Catholic Priests are molesting little children". So, I am not sure why it is ok to say that "too many black men are ignoring their responsibilities and not being fathers". While all three of these stereotypes may have some element of truth to them, it seems that "truth in stereotyping" is only acceptable when dealing with black folks.

Racial conversation must be HONEST AND BALANCED. If you would not say something to a group of white men, then please don't say it to me.

Black Fathers, Black Men, Black Relationships

I received a lot of interesting feedback on my open letter to Senator Barack Obama. In the letter, I was applauding Senator Obama’s conclusion that black men should be better fathers. At the same time, I questioned the fact that only the flaws of black men and black culture are acceptable for public discourse, while the flaws of other ethnic groups are left off the table. Isn’t Obama trying to be “everyone’s president”? If so, then why isn’t he criticizing everyone equally? Don’t get me wrong, I hate bad fathers, because my father abandoned me as a child. But this notion that “those black men need to get it together and learn to be fathers” is not only inaccurate, but misguided.

To give you an example of the flaws of single-minded analysis, let’s assume I was describing “America’s Dad”, Bill Cosby. Someone could accurately state that “Bill Cosby needs to learn a lot about personal responsibility. He cheated on his wife, had an illegitimate child in the affair and then had his daughter sent to jail when she needed him!” Such a statement is certainly accurate, but it would be misguided and one dimensional. Bill Cosby has numerous contributions to our society that go far beyond his desire to cheat on his wife and send his child to jail.

If a one dimensional portrayal of an individual is problematic, then a one dimensional portrayal of 18 million men is damn near criminal. The notion that “all those black men need to stop” is an insult to the millions of black men who do the right thing. It is no more flawed than someone taking a video camera to the dirtiest trailer parks in America and saying, “This is how white people live.” Yes, this is how SOME white people live (the statement is technically correct), but it is not how ALL white people live (one-dimensional). The same way every white woman would not want to be compared with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, every black man does not want to be compared to Flavor Flav and 50 Cent.

On father’s day, I did not spend one second thinking about the black man who abandoned me. Instead, I spent that time celebrating the scores of black men who were there for me. When I talk about the craziness of kids in the hip hop generation, I am equally concerned about the millions of college students on white campuses who think that drinking till you puke every weekend is normal behavior. The desire to be honest and “tell it like it is”, if possessed by our president, should be equally strong and forceful in all directions, not just for groups in which the message fits with pre-existing racialized norms and stereotypes. Whether Senator Obama’s words were correct is not the entire issue, since there are many things I can say about you right now (good or bad) that would be technically correct (i.e. The Bill Cosby example above). The question is whether or not I am being too selective and destructive in my analysis. I can’t imagine Senator Obama speaking at the Vatican on Christmas and saying “All those Catholic Priests need to stop molesting children”. Yes, child abuse has been a problem in the Catholic Church, but it would be unacceptable to dampen the celebration of Jesus’ birth by painting the entire priest population with the actions of a subset.

While I know some black men (and white men) who abandon their kids, I know far more men who are right there with them. I know many men who want to be with their children, but they are dealing with an overbearing, hyper-dominant custodial parent who doesn’t allow him to see his child. I know a lot of men who wanted to stay married, but the conditions of the marriage were unacceptable, or their wives left them. I know many men who would have gladly taken their children with them after the divorce, but their wives (who refused to remain married) did not let the children go. In fact, I get many calls and emails from men around the country to this effect. So, if we are going to point out of the flaws of black men, we need to point out the role that EVERYONE plays in the breakdown of American families. The notion of flat out abandonment, while easy to construct and comfortably fitting with the negative portrayals of black men in America, is inaccurate in many cases. To say that fatherless homes are completely the fault of irresponsible black men is like saying that broken families are the fault and sole domain of black women who can’t manage their relationships. Both statements would be correct in some cases (we all know at least one insane “baby mama”), and flat out wrong in others.

Mother’s Day is not a day to assault divorced women for being bad mothers or to assume that they are doing things to tear their own families apart. Independence Day is not the day to remind our government of the millions we kill around the world every year. Similarly, Father’s Day is not the day to tell all black men that we are terrible dads. You don’t spend Christmas talking about the devil. Father’s Day is not a day to obsess over bad fathers, it is a day to show respect for the good ones. Also, negative stereotyping should be challenged, since 18 million men do not move with the same mind. I can’t find a single media story that focuses on the millions of rank and file black men who do remarkable things in the world, but I can always find a stack of haters who swear that black men are the worst creatures on the planet.

I love you Barack, but please don’t ever paint me and other men with a brush we don’t deserve. All of us don’t behave in the ways of your father (the Harvard educated man who likely played some role in the fact that you went to Harvard as well). Also, we are not always the ones responsible for the breakdowns of our relationships. We know that good fatherhood is critical, and the instinct of men to care for young children doesn’t disappear with black men. At the same time, we can all do better to make American families stronger, since many Americans (not just black people) see their families ripped apart by divorce every year. I am not sure how anyone in their right mind can lay all these problems solely at the feet of black men. We’ve got to be more responsible than that.