Why Chris Brown was Dead Wrong in the Rihanna Situation

I've always liked the singer Chris Brown. In fact, I still like him very much. But I was, like everyone else, shocked to find out about Chris' alleged involvement in a boxing match with his girlfriend, singer Rihanna. I was surprised because this kind of behavior doesn't fit the good boy image that Chris' managers work so hard to maintain.

I read up on the story, thought about it carefully, tried to remember my own mistakes and experiences at the age of 19, and came to a conclusion: Chris Brown was DEAD WRONG.

Ladies, I know you love Chris. The man can sing his butt off, and he has all the makings of a swoon-aholic. I also think that, like Michael Vick and other brothers who have made bad choices, Chris deserves to be forgiven at some point. But the fact that there are so many (mostly women) willing to immediately forgive and forget or even thrust the blame for all this on Rihanna, is a bit scary and significantly misguided.

Let's be clear on this right now: A MAN HAS NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER TO PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU.

The only exception is if you try to kill him or come at him with a deadly weapon. No, Rihanna allegedly giving Chris herpes is not an excuse (Tom Joyner and others have made this statement, but I am not here to say if its true or not), since a) the herpes rate in America is about 48% in the Black community and people are passing it around all the time without realizing it (you may be getting herpes from your lover right now - you might wanna look into that), b) many people don't even know they are passing it since most people don't get tested, c) you are the one who chose to sleep with that person without having them tested, and d) assaulting someone physically is not the correct response to your disappointments. There are more intelligent ways to handle disputes with your lover. Again, I don't know if the herpes statements by Joyner and others are true, but even if it is/were true, that would NOT be an excuse for Chris to hit her.

Here's the deal to the brothers: domestic violence or assault on a woman is not only wrong, but it will land you in jail. If you are in a situation with a woman which leads you to feel the need to assault her physically, you should IMMEDIATELY REMOVE YOURSELF from the scenario. Don't talk to the woman anymore, and don't allow anyone into your space who might lead you to feel compelled to destroy everything you've worked for. Who you allow into your life is one of the most important decisions you will ever make and your entire world can go down in flames over one bad decision. Believe me, a crazy woman can destroy your life. You don't want to go through the drama. If Rihanna is the handful people say she is, then Chris needs to find a more mature partner.

To the ladies: some of you have to slow your roll on this whole "we can forgive everything if he sings well and has money" mindset. With all the evidence of R. Kelly wanting to get freaky with 12 year olds, I found myself astounded that women were willing to laugh off his behavior as simply "artist eccentricity". No, that is what they call CHILD MOLESTATION. While I don't consider Chris Brown to be nearly as deranged as R. Kelly, the facts remain the same: if a guy can sing, many women will forgive damn near anything. The same way many men are tempted by (as Bell, Biv Devoe said) "a big butt and a smile", many women are equally sucked into bad decisions by a big wallet and smooth words. As Martin Luther King might agree, there's something to be said about analyzing the content of someone's character. If a man beats you today, he will almost always do it again. If he treats you like crap before you're married, he'll keep doing it after you walk down the isle. If he cheats on you now, he's probably going to keep doing it. If he isn't taking care of his kids when he met you, he's probably not going to take care of yours. Some concepts are pretty simple, but the elixir of love makes us blind, deaf, dumb and crazy. The truth is that most people tell us exactly who they are if we are willing to listen and observe.

To Chris Brown: I like your personality a lot. You have tremendous talent and you appear to be a good person who made a horrible mistake. But don't ever make that mistake again. Not only have you jeopardized everything you and your business associates have worked for, you did something that was flat out wrong. You are a woman magnet like no other, but that doesn't give you a blank check on irresponsible behavior. Being a successful and powerful man does not imply that you have the right to put your hands on a woman, and if that were my daughter, we'd have a serious problem. If Rihanna is as crazy as she sounds, then send her packing.....put her umbrella (ella ella) in her suitcase and just tell her to go "live her life" with somebody else. You've got too much to lose, so don't lose it.

To read more on Chris Brown and Rihanna, click here.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Professor at Syracuse University and author of "What if George Bush were a Black Man?" For more information, please visit http://www.boycewatkins.com/

Black Relationships and other random thoughts

by Dr. Boyce Watkins
www.BoyceWatkins.com

People sometimes wonder why I don't talk much about my love life. Well, beyond the fact that it would probably bore you, I'll admit that there are some tricky and sensitive issues that might come up. But in case you're wondering, I am not single because I am gay (not that there is something wrong with gay people, I'm just not one of them). I am not married because I take marriage very seriously and realized that my work in the black community would put a family in harm's way. I never thought that Malcolm or Martin should have gotten married either, since I'd never forgive myself if my wife and children were killed or left homeless because of something I've done. The first thing your enemies do when they want to undermine you is to go after your family and/or your source of income. Just ask Bill O'Reilly.

At any rate, I have some friends who are still single, and I listen to them explain why they can't find what they are looking for. For some, it's the "blame the world" strategy - "Black men can't handle an intelligent black woman", or "I'm just too nice and men are dogs"....blah blah blah. On the flip side, I've heard Black men say things about Black women that are simply untrue. Personally, I have no trouble finding great Black women, especially when I learned to look at the spirit and mind along with the body and face. I know many gorgeous women who might have stunned me 10 years ago, but wouldn't get the time of day from me now.

One thing that some of us are missing is the kind of introspection necessary to realize that YOU are the only person who is always present in your relationships. I have a friend who is a drop dead gorgeous college professor and fully convinced that it's never her fault that her relationships are falling apart. All the while, I've seen that same friend walk toward the jerks and away from the guys who might treat her with respect. At the end of the day, she will always be confused, because she only chooses to give her love to those who deserve it the least.

This journey of learning to love yourself enough to know how to give love and receive it properly is a long one. I've personally traveled much of that journey myself. Although I didn't marry my ex-fiance, I was proud of that relationship. The great time we spent together was a reflection of how I'd grown to be able to give the right kind of love and also demand the right kind of love in return. She strengthened my belief in God, for I truly saw her as an angel on earth.

Like most of you, I have experienced the ups and downs of relationships (ho-hum), and all the bliss and pain that comes with it. I've dealt with baby-mama drama, as the one great mistake I made in life was to have a child at a young age with the wrong person. I will pay for that mistake for the rest of my life, although I worked like hell to try to fix it. I fight for father's rights because unlike the confusing speech given by Barack Obama this year on Father's Day, I unconditionally reject the idea that Black relationships don't work solely because Black men are irresponsible buffoons who don't want to be good parents. I tried like hell to be in my own daughter's life, even though I was consistently rejected from it, and I've gotten emails from hundreds of other fathers who feel the same way. At the end of the day, relationships last when both partners make it work, and children are healthiest when both parents understand the importance of having both the mother and the father in the life of the child. You can't blame the opposite sex for everything. That goes for both men and women....no matter how bitter you may be.

Finally, I believe in black love, and I consider black women to be the most beautiful women on the planet. So, if you ever hear of me getting married, it will most likely be to a Black woman. But if you were to ask me about the breakdown of the black family and black relationships, I would say that it takes two to tango. If your relationships are not working out, relieving yourself of all blame is not only going to confuse you, it is also incredibly irresponsible.

At any rate, the article is below...enjoy!

He's not dumping you because ...

Writing about dating is my full-time job, so, naturally, I hear a lot of pretty deranged tales of love gone wrong. But last week I received a letter from a woman who was convinced that men wouldn’t go out with her because she was just too … beautiful.

He's not dumping you because ...

She fully believed her breathtaking attractiveness was anything but a man-magnet — as one might expect. Instead, she said, her beauty acted as a Romeo-repellant, causing suitors to run screaming from her. Obviously, I explained the situation to her (perhaps it wasn’t her gorgeous outsides, but her narcissistic insides that were doing the damage), but it did get me to thinking about all the other ridiculous reasons that women — myself included — come up with when they get dumped.

Along with being too beautiful, here are a few other qualities I guarantee nobody will ever break your heart over:

Too smart: I once had a friend who was convinced she couldn’t keep a boyfriend because she was too smart for the male population. She was positive her staggering intellect was turning them off. Uh, no. What drove the men away (and most of her female friends, as well) was the fact that she was mean. We’re talking stupendously cruel. Her definition of smart translated into cutting people down until they felt like the smallest person on earth. Not exactly a turn-on, no matter how cleverly it’s worded.



Click to read.

Boyce Watkins on The Wendy Williams Experience

Dr Boyce Watkins
www.BoyceWatkins.com

I had a relatively awkward experience this weekend during a trip to New York. I was invited to appear with my friend Wendy Williams, host of The Wendy Williams Experience. You never know where the conversation is going when it comes to Wendy, so you have to be prepared for anything. She is, however, one of the most professional hosts I work with, and her 11 million listeners give her the right to call herself the Queen of Urban Radio. She asked me why I parted ways with my ex-fiance (an amazing woman for whom I have tremendous respect), the election of Barack Obama, my feud with the socio-political terrorist known as Bill O'Reilly, the financial crisis and everything else.

Most interesting was that she asked me about DL Hughley's new CNN show, which I've been quite vocal about lately. I don't hate DL, but I feel strongly that the nature and structure of his new CNN show are quite problematic. My disappointment with DL began 2 years ago during the Don Imus scandal, during which he agreed (on Jay Leno) that the educated women on the Rutgers University Basketball team really WERE a "pack of nappy headed hoes."

Sorry DL, but that's not cool.

What made the situation on Wendy's show funniest, however, was the fact that DL was scheduled to be the next guest on the show after me! Wendy joked, "Dr Boyce, we have to get you out of here because if DL sees you, he might want to punch you in the face." But apparently DL doesn't realize that I am actually the second cousin of Muhammad Ali! I was hoping we would not have to take it to the street!

I thought I would see DL in the lobby, but he was not there yet. It was probably best that way, since I stand by every word. Cooning is cooning, and we don't need an Obama presidency reduced to a minstrel show. I encourage DL to be more responsible.

Respect to everyone reading. If you wish to listen to the show, the link is above and also at my personal blog: www.drboycespeaks.blogspot.com. Also, thousands of you are choosing to "get your money in line for 2009" by joining the Dr. Boyce Finance group for money advice. Please feel free to share this with your friends.

Boyce
www.BoyceWatkins.com