I received a lot of interesting feedback on my open letter to Senator Barack Obama. In the letter, I was applauding Senator Obama’s conclusion that black men should be better fathers. At the same time, I questioned the fact that only the flaws of black men and black culture are acceptable for public discourse, while the flaws of other ethnic groups are left off the table. Isn’t Obama trying to be “everyone’s president”? If so, then why isn’t he criticizing everyone equally? Don’t get me wrong, I hate bad fathers, because my father abandoned me as a child. But this notion that “those black men need to get it together and learn to be fathers” is not only inaccurate, but misguided.
To give you an example of the flaws of single-minded analysis, let’s assume I was describing “America’s Dad”, Bill Cosby. Someone could accurately state that “Bill Cosby needs to learn a lot about personal responsibility. He cheated on his wife, had an illegitimate child in the affair and then had his daughter sent to jail when she needed him!” Such a statement is certainly accurate, but it would be misguided and one dimensional. Bill Cosby has numerous contributions to our society that go far beyond his desire to cheat on his wife and send his child to jail.
If a one dimensional portrayal of an individual is problematic, then a one dimensional portrayal of 18 million men is damn near criminal. The notion that “all those black men need to stop” is an insult to the millions of black men who do the right thing. It is no more flawed than someone taking a video camera to the dirtiest trailer parks in America and saying, “This is how white people live.” Yes, this is how SOME white people live (the statement is technically correct), but it is not how ALL white people live (one-dimensional). The same way every white woman would not want to be compared with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, every black man does not want to be compared to Flavor Flav and 50 Cent.
On father’s day, I did not spend one second thinking about the black man who abandoned me. Instead, I spent that time celebrating the scores of black men who were there for me. When I talk about the craziness of kids in the hip hop generation, I am equally concerned about the millions of college students on white campuses who think that drinking till you puke every weekend is normal behavior. The desire to be honest and “tell it like it is”, if possessed by our president, should be equally strong and forceful in all directions, not just for groups in which the message fits with pre-existing racialized norms and stereotypes. Whether Senator Obama’s words were correct is not the entire issue, since there are many things I can say about you right now (good or bad) that would be technically correct (i.e. The Bill Cosby example above). The question is whether or not I am being too selective and destructive in my analysis. I can’t imagine Senator Obama speaking at the Vatican on Christmas and saying “All those Catholic Priests need to stop molesting children”. Yes, child abuse has been a problem in the Catholic Church, but it would be unacceptable to dampen the celebration of Jesus’ birth by painting the entire priest population with the actions of a subset.
While I know some black men (and white men) who abandon their kids, I know far more men who are right there with them. I know many men who want to be with their children, but they are dealing with an overbearing, hyper-dominant custodial parent who doesn’t allow him to see his child. I know a lot of men who wanted to stay married, but the conditions of the marriage were unacceptable, or their wives left them. I know many men who would have gladly taken their children with them after the divorce, but their wives (who refused to remain married) did not let the children go. In fact, I get many calls and emails from men around the country to this effect. So, if we are going to point out of the flaws of black men, we need to point out the role that EVERYONE plays in the breakdown of American families. The notion of flat out abandonment, while easy to construct and comfortably fitting with the negative portrayals of black men in America, is inaccurate in many cases. To say that fatherless homes are completely the fault of irresponsible black men is like saying that broken families are the fault and sole domain of black women who can’t manage their relationships. Both statements would be correct in some cases (we all know at least one insane “baby mama”), and flat out wrong in others.
Mother’s Day is not a day to assault divorced women for being bad mothers or to assume that they are doing things to tear their own families apart. Independence Day is not the day to remind our government of the millions we kill around the world every year. Similarly, Father’s Day is not the day to tell all black men that we are terrible dads. You don’t spend Christmas talking about the devil. Father’s Day is not a day to obsess over bad fathers, it is a day to show respect for the good ones. Also, negative stereotyping should be challenged, since 18 million men do not move with the same mind. I can’t find a single media story that focuses on the millions of rank and file black men who do remarkable things in the world, but I can always find a stack of haters who swear that black men are the worst creatures on the planet.
I love you Barack, but please don’t ever paint me and other men with a brush we don’t deserve. All of us don’t behave in the ways of your father (the Harvard educated man who likely played some role in the fact that you went to Harvard as well). Also, we are not always the ones responsible for the breakdowns of our relationships. We know that good fatherhood is critical, and the instinct of men to care for young children doesn’t disappear with black men. At the same time, we can all do better to make American families stronger, since many Americans (not just black people) see their families ripped apart by divorce every year. I am not sure how anyone in their right mind can lay all these problems solely at the feet of black men. We’ve got to be more responsible than that.
